Are You a Blogging Outcast?

Happy Monday, people! 

Holy moly, guacamole!! Today is going to be the busiest day of my life. I don't plan on having any time to answer your emails or even look at my computer, so if you're expecting some sort of urgent response, you probably will not get it until tonight at like, midnight my time. Which really isn't that late if you're in the states, so you can just ignore this whole paragraph. 

Anyway. While I'm moving out of the apartment and attempting to drive 45 minutes to Frankfurt with a full-size mattress strapped onto a volkswagen golf, you are probably having a grand old time reading blogs and looking for laughs. Am I right? Psh. Of course I am, I don't even know why I asked. 

OKAY. TO THE POINT. I don't know how you've put up with me the last 2 paragraphs, because I already want to punch myself in the face. So anyway (for real this time) I have something hilarious for you today. I actually wish I could take credit, but I can't, because I'm not a thief or a plagiarist. See that totally awesome girl to your left? The awkward one? Right under the header that says, "Blog of the month?" That's Jennie. And she is freaking hilarious. I was in tears from laughing while I read this (granted, it was 4 am and I was a little loopy, but... it'll still make you chuckle, even if you're an emotionless prick). Okay, I will shut up now and let you read. You're welcome. 

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I am a blogging outcast. Stephenie Meyer could probably write a four book/five movie series on why I will never be totally accepted into the same blogosphere as Rockstar Diaries or Daybook, but I'll keep it down to twenty reasons just so your brain doesn't turn into a vegetable.

Ready, go:

1. I don't own anything from Anthropologie or J. Crew.

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2. What's worse is that I've never stepped foot in a J. Crew store in all of my days.

3. Most of my clothes are from Target. In fact I will have you know that my entire outfit today down to mahh undies is from there. Basically I recycle all money they give me ever back into their store. Also I think they should pay me for all of the advertising I give them. Seriously...it's like once a week.

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4. I have a Coach bag. Apparently this is fashion suicide or so I've heard because Coach is the "poor person's designer". Well spotted, guys. I'm poor and you're just gonna have to convince Target to pay me for my two solid years of weekly advertising or just get used to the idea that I can't afford ten kajillion dollar bags.

5. My top knots suck.

6. Wearing thrifted things kind of just grosses me out. Like I can't use toilets because people's bare butts have been on them, so yeah...... In my world I am the only person that ever uses my toilets and also no one has ever has tried on my clothes before I bought them. This rules out thrift stores based on principle alone.

7. If I had it my way, all of my clothes would be turquoise and red. What are these things called "neutrals" that you can supposedly wear with everything because I do not understand.

8. I have a personal vendetta against heels. {the shoes, not the body part}

9. I'm a Mormon and I don't have a "Believe" page linking to lds.org.

10. I sold out and wrote a sponsored post for a company this week. Apparently my dignity is worth less than $10, because that's how much they paid me to write it.

11. I don't have a husband.

12. If I did have a husband, he would not be called Husband or Hubs....probably just his real name or something.

13. I don't like Regina Spektor or Ingrid Michaelson. Please don't hate me.

14. I have better things to do than drink out of a mason jar, yo.

15. Instagram is all but a distant dream.

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16. I reject hipsters as being real people.

17. My blog has a Facebook fan page with like 14 fans. And the only updates that ever go on there are things like "Why do I even have a Facebook fan page? No one even knows." It's like an empty cave in there where all your missing socks vacation to after they disappear from your washing machine.

18. I don't take pictures of my food. I just eat it.

19. I don't have a photography business on the side.

20. And if I did have a photography business, it wouldn't be called "Jennifer Ann Photography". I just Googled that and like twelve hundred websites came up. Way to be creative, photographic visionaries.

And that, New Adventurer's, is why the blogging universe rejects me and will continue to reject me until someone takes pity and buys me an iPhone. I have no more words.

Actually, just so we're clear about the Stephenie Meyer thing, here are the four books:

1. Edward wants to drink Bella's blood and so he watches her in her room while she sleeps because he equates that with love.

2. His lips are as cold and smooth as marble. {this alone equates to like 1/3 of the book. seriously, it's like every other sentence.}

3. They don't have sex because he wants to get married at 17 years old. But really he's like 107, so it's okay.

4. They get married and have sex finally and then she gets knocked up likethat with his clearly superior vampire sperm.

5. She has a vampire baby with the stupidest name ever and then her ex-boyfriend falls in love with her infant daughter.

6. The king vampire guys decide they don't like the Cullens anymore, so they come to Washington for a huge fight and then everyone just stands around a field for like 200 pages and looks at each other angrily and talks about their feelings.

BAM. Now where's my $750,000 advance, HarperCollins?? I need a new non-Coach bag.
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See? I told you she was awesome. Now go to her blog. Because there is more funny stuff there. :)