What to Expect when You're Expecting (an extremely condensed and not at all accurate Representation of Pregnancy) Part One

... written by the furthest thing from a pregnancy expert you will ever meet (unless, of course, you meet Big Foot - I bet he knows even less than I do).

Because I have exactly a bajillion thoughts on the topic of pregnancy, I'm going to do this in parts. Today is part one of part one -

Things I wish People had Told Me about Pregnancy

1. Pregnancy is not fun. Let's face it - the side effects suck, you turn bat-sh** crazy, you cry about tacos, and you become a narcoleptic. Your husband begins to wonder what he's done to you, and every time you look at the scale, you think you're going to break the dang thing.

2. You should buy a dog. Seriously - you will need someone to blame for the smells that will exit your body fairly regularly. Note: a cat is not an acceptable substitute (cats aren't as stinky as dogs).

3. You are not superwoman. Don't try to be - it's hard to do everything when you're not pregnant, and things definitely don't get any easier when you're falling asleep on your piles of unwashed laundry.

4. You will turn into a crocodile. At least you will if your skin was already dry. I put lotion on at least ten times a day, and my hands still look like a pair of leather gloves that have been sitting in the sun for ten years.

5. Hemorrhoids - not just for old men anymore. TMI? Probably, but let's face it - it's just another ugly part of pregnancy. This stuff is real, and I'm telling you - EAT YOUR DANG FIBER. Twenty servings if you have to.

6. Sexy time is not so sexy. Umm, yes. I just said "sex" on my blog. I think we all know how that baby got in your belly (contrary to "Glee" belief, it was not from spermies in a hot tub), so let's get over the "s-word." SEX. Yes, you can still have it, yes, you will probably definitely want it (or maybe you won't). NO. You will not feel sexy. Probably. Your bra won't fit right, your belly will be bulging, you will be bloated, and that is all I have to say about that. But get it on, my friends - Get. It. On. Because you probably won't have as many opportunities for the next 30 years. And then you'll just be old and wrinkly. And that is the most awkward paragraph to ever grace my blog. You're welcome.

7. You are super prone to infection. Yes - everywhere. All sorts of infections - take care of yourself! Don't let a bladder infection (or something else) ruin your week!

8. You will become a freaking obese asthmatic just by walking up five stairs. Don't believe me? Ask the dude that shares my cubicle wall. I sound like I'm dying every time I come back from the cafeteria downstairs. It's only slightly pathetic (and yes, I have considered taking the elevator - too much pride, people - too much pride).

9. People will look at your tummy and wonder if you're eating 5 big macs a day. You will look like a chubby slob for a while. It's an awkward stage, and no one wants to point out that your belly is bulging, so instead they just stare and think something along the lines of, Man, she's really let herself go. 

does anyone know the original source?

10. You should expect exactly the opposite of what everyone tells you. Think you're going to spend hours praying to the porcelain gods? Nope - you'll just get migraines that would make a grown man cry. Think you're going to swell up like a huge balloon? Nope - you'll be wearing your wedding ring till the baby is born. Think you're going to run over your mailbox? Nope - your name is not Alyx Garner, so you've got nothing to worry about (except the fact that you'll put your cell phone in the freezer and spend three hours looking for it). Think your face will turn into a pizza? It probably will, so you're SOL there. You're welcome.

I have sooo much more to say, but that wisdom will just have to wait.