Some days are better than others. I suffered from PPD/PPA with both kids. I got over it with Callum pretty quickly, but then we moved a few months after he turned one, and depression and anxiety reared their ugly heads and made an appearance in my life again.
With exercise, I was able to sort of moderate and things got a little bit better, but then my knee started acting up. I went and got an MRI, thinking something was torn, but it was just extreme chondromalacia, and the doctor's solution was to cut out any and all physical activity that caused pain. Well, since even taking my dog for a walk or going up and down stairs causes pretty intense pain, I've had to cut out all exercise. I swam for a while, but it's to the point where even swimming is painful, so that's out, as well.
Not being able to exercise has basically thrown me into a downward spiral, and, I'm not going to lie - things have sucked. Here's the thing - I know I am so blessed. But when you are suffering from depression and anxiety, it's really, really hard to see that. You feel so alone and isolated, even when you have a ton of people who love you and care for you.
On the good days...
It isn't a struggle to get out of bed.
The thought of going out and being around other people doesn't completely paralyze me.
I am able to get dressed and get ready for the day by putting on makeup.
I actually play with my kids.
I am patient.
I enjoy talking to old friends.
Being a mom is enough.
I can be genuinely happy for others and their success.
But on the bad days...
I dread the moment my kids come to my room and drag me out of bed.
It is a struggle to get dressed.
Leaving the house is terrifying and just doesn't happen.
I have a short fuse and am very impatient with my kids.
I sit on the couch and just don't move until one of my kids forces me to.
The smallest thing out of place makes my heart race and causes me to have a breakdown.
I avoid contact with anyone and everyone. I push people away.
I feel lost.
I feel like a failure.
I look around and I feel stuck.
I see other people's success and I allow it to make me feel like a lesser person.
I feel like I've failed as a human being.
I feel like my intelligence is wasted on motherhood.
I feel like I'm not enough.
Now, I know that depression and anxiety can change a person so much, and I know that they are changing me, so please believe that I'm doing my best to not let them beat me. And really, this has all just been weighing on me for a while, and I needed to get it off my chest. I don't really want comments, so I've turned them off. <3
